Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
