I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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