the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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