wake up i wanna do it froggy style
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
