Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
