Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
