I wish my penis had an off switch
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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