seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I did not marry a roomba.
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