I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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