dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
