I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
