i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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