lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Drunk is not a location!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
