my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS