I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree