I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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