I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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