I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
