Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Randomize
