I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
