Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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