you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
