I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
