I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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