So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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