so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
