Got a toothbrush?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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