Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
