my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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