hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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