You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
