When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
