im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
