the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
