did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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