im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
