You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
