I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
