I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
