is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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