just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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