I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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