Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
