period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize