apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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