no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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