she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
