i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
