It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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