I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
