after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
