The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
