there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
