your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
