Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
