apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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