Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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