Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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